Message-ID: <1080804590.5121.9.camel@daemon.nmrc.org>
From: thegnome at nmrc.org (Simple Nomad)
Subject: NMRC Press Release 01Apr2004 -- NMRC Speaks Out On Legal Woes

http://www.nmrc.org/

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NMRC Speaks Out On Legal Woes

[UNDERGROUND BUNKER, TX] - Nomad Mobile Research Centre (NMRC), The
world's leading hacker group fueled by Chai, revealed the truth about
rumours of legal problems late last night to a packed room of reporters
at a nearby Arlington, Texas Starbucks.

"Yes, it is true we are being sued by Novell Corporation. It seems
Novell was upset with all the press Microsoft got when their source code
was leaked, and asked us if we were planning on leaking any NetWare
source code," said a rather subdued jrandom, who only identified himself
as the NMRC Spokesman in Times of Stress.

"When we informed Novell we had deleted our old copies of NetWare source
to make room for the Microsoft source code, they apparently took the
news rather poorly." NMRC, once known as a hotbed of NetWare hacking
tools and research, has released nothing related to Netware for years.
Responding to reporter questions, NMRC member Cask3t commented that the
Novell source was basically untouched and simply "a waste of space" on
the drives. Fellow member Aj added to Cask3t's comments stating, "So we
develop a new NetWare hacking tool, and what? We help two guys break
into approximately three sites. Big effin deal.".

"We even tried to give it away to other hackers first," stated jrandom,
"but they were completely apathetic. Some didn't even know what NetWare
was. There were those who thought it was a new hacker clothing line."

"As a direct result of our actions in trying to give away copies of the
source code, we were kick-banned from #phrack on EfNet. We will be
appealing that action to PHC, and our loss of access to #phrack will
probably form the basis of our countersuit against Novell."

NMRC founder Simple Nomad said, "We had been bracing for a lawsuit from
SCO since we are running Linux on a number of systems, so this Novell
thing is really out of left field.". NMRC went on to state they probably
would "ignore" the lawsuit, since they "seriously doubt anyone would
show up to court, including the judge" because of the loss of market
share by Novell in recent years.

In related news, NMRC Mayhem Specialist Weasel reported that NMRC's
attempts to "piss off" SCO have apparently failed. "We were going to
'leak' some proprietary SCO source code, but we couldn't find any
anywhere," said a visually disappointed Weasel. "And trust us, we've
looked," added Daaihliuh.

Daaihliuh, NMRC's Disinformation Officer also revealed that Starbuck's,
the premier purveyor of the finest coffee and chai in the world, has
joined the growing list of companies suing NMRC, though the grounds
remain uncertain. Initially, Starbucks claimed rights to NMRC
intellectual property based on the number of Chai orders placed by NMRC,
stating that their hacker code and exploits wouldn't have been possible
without Chai fueled energy. Further investigation revealed the awful
purpose of the frequent excusions by NMRC members Simple Nomad and
Weasel to the Arlington, TX Starbucks. It seems the recipe for Chai has
been reverse engineered by these notorious hackers. It is unclear if
laptops were used to capture the Starbucks Chai packets out of the ether
or if other nefarious methods were used, but Starbucks claims an uncanny
resemblance to their Chai recipe has been released on NMRC's site.

In a retalitory form, Weasel stated that "their Chai sucked ass anyway,
not nearly spicy enough" in spite of the fact that the press conference
was at Starbucks and he was drinking Chai from a Starbucks cup.

In other news, Phuzzy Logik, the group's deepest-placed Canadian
government mole, reported that HellNbak's liver transplant seems to have
gone well. "In retrospect, HellNbak's injuries sustained during his most
recent stabbing may have actually saved his life. It forced his doctors
to truly examine him, and they discovered his liver was also in an
unrelated but nonetheless damaged state," said Logik. HellNbak was not
in attendance at the press conference, but it was reported he was
"getting stronger" and was "already breaking in the new liver.".
HellNbak should be completely healed by DefCon 12, and will more than
likely be allowing people to take pictures with him and his latest knife
scar.

Queen Grace Clovia Terre reported that the plans for a "combination
thong and sniffer software" product had to be scrapped. Citing
production problems and "a massive and embarassing lab accident" as the
main reasons for cancelling the product, she also cited that R&D
projects would no longer involve "my idiot husband going to strip clubs
for 'inspiration'". A sheepish Simple Nomad had no comment in spite of
prodding from curious reporters. Queen Grace did mention "positive
numbers for NMRC" while introducing NMRC's Financial Officer.

And the numbers for 2004 were looking good for NMRC. In spite of
offering no goods or services and generally "feeding off of a
less-than-intelligent security industry" with misdirection and lies,
NMRC Financial Officer Sioda an Cailleach reported, "Our acquisition of
a new security industry Psuedo Random Number Generator (PRNG) from mi2g
will allow us to invent all kinds of new numbers with literally no basis
in fact. We expect this false sense of self-importance to level the
playing field between us and, say, iDefense."

NMRC and mi2g are also in court because of NMRC's leaking of the source
of mi2g's numbers -- the mi2g PRNG. An open source version of the mi2g
PRNG adapted for general use for any government agency or company can be
found at http://www.nmrc.org/project/misc/nmrc-prng-0.1.tgz.

Sioda expected the Starbucks case to settle quickly, enabling NMRC to
market their own Chai brand. "Allegations that we stole the source of
our Chai from Starbucks are complete nonsense", Sioda stated, "Our Chai
is much spicer than theirs. We expect sales to soar, after a
complementary shipment to eEye."

Finally, NMRC closed out the conference by announcing they would not be
insulting Russ Cooper, which was met with a round of groans from the
assembled reporters. "Why beat a dead horse?" replied jrandom.

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